How do you deal with a 3 and 1/2 year old boy who hits his 2 year old sister. She is quite feisty too, since she needs to fight back. Although, occasionally she does start it.
We have tried timing out both, just he aggressor, neither, spanking, yelling, etc. I know that part of the problem is our inconsistency with the method of discipline. But I just can't take it anymore. The more we struggle with him, the more aggressive he gets. I know that the key lies in positive discipline, but neither book addresses "hitting" as if it were taboo! Please tell me of a specific action to take when for example, he just walks by her and pushes her to the ground (she may not even cry, but it's still wrong.)

Just to let you know, he is a very logical child. We are able to explain things to him and most often get results, except this one instance which is the most important in my mind. He KNOWS that being "rough" is bad. Another note, they have an even younger baby sister (7 months).

Please HELP.

My name is Jody McVittie and I am one of the associates that answers questions from the website. My children (now 16, 13, 11) are past this stage now, but I remember it quite well. It is no fun to have your children fighting and hitting each other, but it does not mean that you are a bad parent. As children are learning how to interact with other people and they still have lots of skills to learn, sometimes fighting happens. You won't see it as "taboo" in any of the Positive Discipline books, because the books look toward LONG term goals. Children learn by making mistakes (and hitting is one of those mistakes).

Before I give you suggestions, I would like to mention some things about sibling rivalry.

First from the positive point of view. What do children learn from growing up with other children in the same family? Another way to ask the question is what do only children sometimes miss out on from not growing up with other children? When I teach parenting classes, the parents can think of LOTS of things that they learned from their siblings:
They learn to play, to stand up for themselves, to negotiate, that life sometimes is not "fair", to plan, to be creative, to walk away when they want things to end. They learn how to find private times in the midst of chaos, to be empathetic when a sibling is hurt, to help another human being....and the lists go on and on. It's interesting isn't it that we as parents often focus on the "negative" interactions between siblings? Even when they are fighting they are learning things. Sometimes it is hard to remember that when it looks like someone might get hurt, but if you do remember it helps you to teach them
the skills to problem solve, and then let them alone when they "fight" to solve their own problems.

Another thing to remember about sibling fights is that the parent NEVER really knows how it really started. Often the younger child has a way of irritating the older child in tiny ways until the older child just can't stand it ANY longer. These add up over the day, and what the parent sees is just one act of what looks like aggression. The parent comes down harder on the older child....and the younger child gets sympathy, attention and power over the older child. (You can see why a younger child might get skilled at silently initiating the trouble). Sometimes it is the other way around, the younger child can be the aggressor.

Now lets look at the problem. One of the basic ideas in Adlerian parenting (Positive Discipline is based on the work of Alfred Adler) is that we will be more successful if we understand the belief behind the behavior. What do you suppose your son is thinking when he pushes your daughter down for "no apparent reason?" I am not suggesting that he is aware of his belief....but it is not a random act. There are several ways to find out what is going on for him.

One is to check in on your feeling. Do you feel annoyed, irritated? More challenged or
angry? Or perhaps hurt or defeated? That will help you figure out the belief behind his behavior (see the mistaken goal chart in Positive Discipline). If you're feeling challenged or angry, he may be believing that he will be more significant if he is in control or the boss. (I made this guess because your reaction has been that of struggle and feeling like you can't take it.... it sounds like you are in a power struggle). If you can identify your feeling, and guess at his mistaken belief about how he can be more significant and get more belonging you can go to the far right of the mistaken goal chart and look
at some of the suggestions.

Why would a child feel this way you might ask? Oh, there are lots of reasons. Remember that kids are great perceivers, but poor interpreters. Your son was, at
one time "king", and now he has not one, but two "competitors" at home taking up
his space and what he thought was "his" love. You spend time with all three kids
and he may not feel as special anymore. Another reason may be that his sister really has become skilled at bugging him...and he is just plain tired of it. I am sure that because you know your son, you can think of lots of other reasons that he might be discouraged.

Solutions:
1. Look at the far right column of the mistaken goal chart to get some ideas (and here are some more)
2. Punishment may work short term, but it will not be a long term solution. Think long term here. What skills do your children need to know to solve problems? It may seem funny, but the hardest skill is learning to identify the problem. This is easier to teach than it sounds and 2 and 3 year olds can learn it when it is modeled. I was surprised how well it worked when my children (now teens) were small. Here is an example: Two children are fighting over a ball. It is escalating. The adult says: "I notice that both of you want the ball" (Identify the problem). And then go on: "John had it first. John when you are done would you be willing to give it to Sara?" John will almost always say yes. "Sara, John will give it to you when he is done, what would you like to do in the mean time?". It is amazing how quick kids learn this model. After a few times, all the adult needs to do is to point out the problem (You both want the same toy)...and they can take the next steps. It seems like noticing that there is a problem is the hardest step, but once the problem is identified, they can often move on. I have seen 2 year olds in preschool do the whole process by themselves.
3. Disengage your "hitting button" for a little while. You are right that it is not okay to hit, but we parents can get into a lot of mischief by being over reactive. Whenever our children want a reaction they know just where to go. By being so sensitive ourselves, we actually get MORE hitting, not less.

When your son hits, let him know that it is not okay, but don't give ANY emotional
reaction. Give empathy to the victim....but encourage problem solving. (It might sound like "Ooh, that looked like it hurt, I am wondering if you will find another way of solving the problem?") Give it a try for 2 weeks (you can try anything new for 2 weeks) and see if it helps. If it is really hard to disengage your reaction to hitting, take a look to see if there is any reason this is so extra important to you. Did you decide at some time in your life that conflict was bad? Is a good mother a mother that keeps things peaceful (and therefore you are a not a good mother if things are not peaceful?). Learning how to solve conflicts, to get in AND get out of them is an incredibly valuable life skill. Don't let your kids miss out on it by trying to prevent conflict all together.

4. Kids who misbehave aren't feeling good. (Kids do better when they feel better). The best way to deal with hitting is to encourage your child. This is different than pampering him. It is not about doing things for him, or spoiling him. Your son will feel better if he feels important in the household. You can do that by giving him special jobs (3 1/2 year olds can help sort laundry, put the silverware away, feed pets, walk pets with you, dress themselves, pick out their own clothes and many more things), by asking for his help on special projects (this might be helping get breakfast ready by doing a task, helping you open the mail) and by spending special time with just him. Remember this is along term solution and may not work overnight. Don't ask for miracles, ask
for improvement.
5. Another approach to sibling fighting is "beat it, bear it, or boot'em out". The idea here is that the main thing that sibs fight over is you and your attention. If you leave the room and let them know that you will be glad to talk to them when they are done, if you just ignore them, or if you ask them to take their fighting outside until they are done, it takes away the big benefit of fighting: your intense emotional reaction. It de escalates.
6. A positive time out for both kids can work if both kids understand that they are not
"bad", but that they need some time to regroup to feel better (we do better when we feel better). That is hard to do when they are really upset unless you have practiced and they have a special "feel better" place that they can go to all set up. Without real preparation, kids OFTEN perceive time out as a punishment....and then you get "punished" right back. (See Positive Time Out and 50 Other Ways to Avoid Power Struggles in Homes and Classrooms
7. Three and Four-year-olds have a lot of developmental "stuff" going on inside of
them. They are growing physically and emotionally. The family is changing around them and it is a time of intense feelings (for all normal 3 and 4 year olds). Sometimes the feelings are so strong that it is hard to hold on to it. Hitting is not okay, but expect him not to be perfect. My son was really intense at this age too. It took about 9 months for the hitting to really disappear, though when we stopped reacting so much it got LOTS better.
8. Have faith in your son. Let him know that even though he is having a tough time keeping his hands to himself right now that you love him and you know that he will figure out other ways to let someone know he is angry. (Words, stomping his foot, walking away are all skills...but they will take time for him to learn).
9. Rudolf Dreikurs taught the value of "doing the unexpected." You might try hugging the child who has just done the hitting. After a few seconds you might say, "Doesn't this feel better than hitting? Would you be willing to go hug your sister to help her feel better too." Chances are that your son may want to do this. Remember, children do better when they feel better. However, if he doesn't want to, simple say, "Okay, I will give her a hug. You might feel like doing it later." The point is that you are modeling appropriate ways to touch. Example is the best teacher and actions speak louder than
words. Some people think this is rewarding the misbehavior and paying too much attention to the "bully" while neglecting the "victim." Positive Discipline (Adlerian) theory is just the opposite of conventional wisdom. First of all, you want to avoid victim and bully training which is what happens when you punish one and favor the other (who may really have started it, even though you didn't see that part.) And, even if the "victim" didn't start it, he or she will soon learn the benefits of being a victim if favored. The point is to see every behavior as an opportunity for teaching.
10. If you feel too upset to do any of the above, try telling your kids, "I'm so upset I need some time out before I can handle this in a kind manner." What a wonderful example for your kids. Wouldn't you just love to hear your son say that someday. It will probably happen if he sees this behavior modeled often enough.

Best wishes!

Jody McVittie, M.D., Positive Discipline Associate