Frustrated Single Parent and Manipulative Daughter

Q. I'm the frustrated, single parent of a very manipulative 12-year-old. Hermother and I separated a year and a half ago. My daughter lives with me because her mother is mentally-ill and unable to take care of her. While we have made progress (for instance, this time last year we were battling about her even going to school). I do my best to understand her feelings, but she plays on the fact that I initiated the divorce, and I feel powerless to counter it.

While school and schoolwork had been going more smoothly, we got into a power struggle the other night over math homework. Last night, it turned out she was missing several assignments and her teacher was threatening to call me (with the entire class present). She came home from her weeknight visit with her mother, first seeming OK and joking with me, then as soon as we walked into the house, what I call "the look" came over her face, and she went off to her room and shut the door. A while later she came out tearful, saying she missed her mother and was upset over the divorce.

At first, I was upset and feeling terrible. I tried to listen to her feelings without getting too upset, and explain why things are the way they are without criticizing her mother. I helped her get her homework done. Looking back though, I think the whole episode smacked of manipulation to avoid the consequences of not doing her work. My daughter is both a youngest and only child (she has a 19-year-old stepsister). I was pretty much always the disciplinarian in the family, and both girls would often go to their mother when they felt I was being too strict. I feel that this is manipulative, learned behavior that she's probably not totally aware that she's resorting to. I am well aware I've had a role in teaching her this by giving in to her and her mother when they behave this way.

Once several months ago, we did have a similar incident where I had asked her to clean up a mess she had made before going to her mother's. She didn't, and as soon as she came back, went into the "I'm sad over the divorce" spiel. I finally had had enough and told her, she wasn't going to use that as an excuse any longer to avoid responsibilities. While she pouted and got angry, she did do what I had asked, but I hate to have to resort to brute force (I have never used corporal punishment and seldom raise my voice with her), but it seems as though it's the only thing that works to break her out of the "poor-pitiful me" spells.

Last year, at the suggestion of a private counselor and teachers, we went to an assignment book that the teachers signed off on daily. My daughter is dead set against doing this again, and I don't feel it is teaching her to be responsible for her work, so we stopped the practice this year. At the same time, I feel she needs to experience some consequences for not doing her math work.

I have read some of your Positive Discipline books, but honestly, just don't have enough confidence in my skills right now to let go and try them. I know as you say, that things will get worse before they get better, and I fear my daughter playing the "I want to live with Mom" card and just don't know how to deal with it. Her mother is just not capable of taking care of her full-time (I think my daughter knows this, too), but I fear that telling her that it's just not an option will only drive another wedge between us.

Any help would be greatly appreciated,

There's a simple rule of thumb about manipulation: If you feel you're being manipulated by a child, you probably are. Your daughter genuinely grieves the loss of her intact family, but like all young people, she also senses your guilt about what has happened and is not above using it to her own advantage. This isn't malice, by the way: it's simply what "works" for her in a tough situation. It is normal to feel regret that you and your ex-wife couldn't stay together, but guilt accomplishes nothing positive. If you believe your reasons for leaving were sound, let go of your guilt and disconnect that "guilt button" that your daughter has learned to push. You can empathize with your daughter's sadness without letting it control your actions. Your attitude is everything: if you are confident and calm about your choices and refuse to be manipulated by the "poor me" approach, your daughter will sense it and will (reluctantly) give it up eventually.

It is also true that young people usually do better with an appropriate measure of the truth. If her mother is not capable of caring for your daughter, it may be wise to have a calm, gentle discussion with her about this, especially since you suspect she already knows. You can express your regret and sadness that things are not different, but use this as a springboard to strengthening your connection to and understanding of your daughter and her feelings.

The other issue here is the normal, everyday parenting piece that involves school work, chores, homework, etc. This is where family meetings and problem solving can draw your daughter into working on solutions with you. Homework is a struggle in many, many homes, and parents are often baited into being either permissive and lax about it, or overly controlling. (Some even do the work for their children because it's just so much "easier.") School is your daughter's responsibility, and you can offer to support her without taking responsibility yourself. Setting reasonable goals (what grades would satisfy your daughter? what's necessary to get those grades?) and making a plan together may help.

Jane Nelsen and I have written a new book, " Parents Who Love Too Much" (available in October from Prima Publishing) that goes into greater detail about homework, chores--and guilt. You may find it helpful.

In the meantime, hang in there!

Cheryl Erwin, MA, MFT, Certified Positive Discipline Associate