Dear Dr. Nelsen,

I have a 20 month old son that I have tried very hard to raise with firm kindness as you suggest. So far it is going pretty well.

My problem lies with his 19 month old girl cousin whose mother has decided to hit her several times a day with a wooden spoon. All of what she is punished for is normal toddler behavior. (i.e. singing too loudly, standing on the sofa, pointing at objects she wants)It sickens me. I have tried to tell her mother that she is not developmentally capable of understanding this form of punishment but she just tells me that she is an extremely bright child and does understand.

To further complicate the matter the mother fully believes that if her daughter doesn't mind that she will not go to heaven. So she says she is hitting her out of love. She even tells her that she loves her before and after she gets a spanking. How confusing for this poor little girl.

I'm at a loss over what to say and do.Please HELP!

Sincerely,

The Very Upset Aunt

I join you in being very upset. It is heartbreaking to read what you share. I hardly know what to say, because I don't know how to help people like this. They usually aren't open to change or to learning about child development.

I have no doubt that she loves her child and wants the best for her. However, I KNOW that she is doing great harm to her child. Have you shared the article that can be found on my website titled something like "Your Child Doesn't Understand No in The Way you Think?" All of this is also explained thoroughly in our book Positive Discipline The First Three Years. She probably doesn't know that she is teaching violence and that children learn what they live. She probably doesn't know that most criminals were abused in this way. I'm not suggesting that her child will become a criminal, however she may eventually choose rebellion or revengeful behavior.

Perhaps the real problem is that she doesn't know that there are better ways to discipline better ways to help children improve their behavior. All of our Positive Discipline books are filled with non-punitive methods to help children do better. Where did we ever the crazy idea that in order to get children to DO better, first we have to make them feel worse? The truth is that children DO better when they FEEL betterjust like adults. I wonder how she would feel and what she would do if her husband treated her (hit her with a wooden spoon) the way she treats her child.

I suggest that people use the following four criteria to consider when choosing discipline methods:

1. Is it respectful?

2. Is it effective long-range as well as short term.

a. Punishment may work for the moment to stop the misbehavior, but what are the long-range effects?

b. Punishment and rewards teach adults to be responsible to "catch" kids being "good" so they can dole out rewards, and to "catch" them being "bad" so they can impose punishment, but what happens when the adult is not around?

3.Related to the above, does the discipline consider what the child is thinking, feeling, and deciding -- because this will motivate futurebehavior.

4.Does the discipline teach children important life and social skills?

Having said all that, the only thing I can suggest is to acknowledge her for her love for her child and for her desire to help her go to Heaven. Then ask her if she would be open to learning some ways that might help her achieve this goal without using violence. If she is not open to this, it is useless to try changing her.

I wish you the best.

Jane Nelsen