I have an 8 yr old son who is on genius level. He has a good heart , kind to others and to his family. But we are having a horrendous time when it comes to certain tasks. Simple things as in telling him where to do his homework he can answer that We cannot control his life.(he says this logically and not to be fresh.) If I tell him to do something and he does not want to do it - he will go into lenghty arguments about why he shouldn't have to. We have been through many power fights , yelling , punishing and taking away priveleges.

The dilema for me is that I feel that being strong willed and having the arrogence, and mind of his own is something that can get him far in life...so when we try to dicipline him i start to feel as though i don't want to break his spirit and have him do things just because we are the parents. His teacher has said he is a "challenging" student and she at times has told him that this is not a democ ratic class room and how he will debate with you how he would love the debate.

I am exhausted from the constant debates. He is convinced that he is right and will not accept any reasoning. He will take punishment with a shrug and just do without whatever we take away.

Please help.

Parenting a bright child is such a challenge: it can seem as though they're always several steps ahead of you. There is much that is good in your letter: you're right that punishment doesn't work--at least certainly not in the long term--and that your son's confidence and strength of spirit can serve him well as he grows. There is a difference, though, between strength and "arrogance"; all children need to learn respect for others, for self, and for the structure and boundaries that allow us to live together peacefully.

Your son debates with you because it works for him. All children seek a sense of what we call "belonging and signficiance": sometimes they find it in mistaken ways that adults call "misbehavior." He may be telling you with his behavior that he feels significant when he's in control of things; he may have discovered that arguing with adults is an effective way of getting attention. Whatever the reason, he'll stop debating when you (and his teacher) can learn to respond in ways that are kind and firm at the same time--usually much easier said than done. For instance, if it's time to go to bed and he wants to debate you about how and when and why, simply say, "bedtime" (with a smile if you can manage one). If he argues, simply say it again. It takes two to have a debate, by the way; if you refuse to argue or lose your temper, he can't do it on his own. If he continues to push you, tell him you'll be in your room and he can come find you when he's ready to cooperate.

There are a couple of things that will help you and your son get along better. First, be careful about choosing your battles. As long as he's doing his homework, it doesn't much matter where it gets done. Insisting on excessive control or that he do it your way only invites him to resist you--and he's found an effective way of doing that. Second, try having regular family meetings. Use all that creativity and intellect your son is currently using to resist you to solve your problems. Ask him what ideas he has for homework, bedtime, and other problem issues, and listen carefully to his answers. Children are far more likely to cooperate when we invite them to help us "make the rules." Both kids and parents can learn to negotiate and cooperate together.

A word about school: children need to respect a teacher's authority, but there too excessive control and insistence on rules can invite rebellion. Class meetings and problem solving work well at school, too; your son's teacher might find some useful ideas in "Positive Discipline in the Classroom." (Nelsen, etal., Prima, 2000)

Teaching your son to be strong, use his intelligence, AND respect those around him will serve you all well in the years to come.

Best wishes,

Cheryl L. Erwin, MA, MFT

Certified Positive Discipline Associate