I have a daughter who is very successful in school and who is in the gifted program as well. However, she has a difficult time accepting constructive criticism. She plays sports and takes piano lessons. She has the ability to do many things well but she is not putting enough time or effort into these things to be better. Yet she gets very upset when someone else is better than her. I have tried to tell her that if she wants to get better she needs to practice more, whether it applies to sports or piano or other areas.

She has lately been saying that she might as well quit everything because she is not good at anything. I feel that she does have talent but she is not using them to the fullest potential. By the way she is 13 years old.

How can I get her to learn to accept constructive criticism whether it is from the coach, teacher, or myself. I hate to see her quit all these things because I know she has the ability to be whatever she wants to be.

A: I had to smile while reading your question--you are describing me at about the same age! Your daughter's situation is frustrating because you love her so much and want her to be happy and successful. Take a deep breath, relax for a moment, and recognize that there is much you can do to help her. Here are a few suggestions:

First, thirteen is a tough age for a young woman. Her body is changing (sometimes not fast enough) and she is moving into adolescence, where her developmental challenges include both separating herself from you and staying connected to you. (Interestingly enough, arguing with you serves both purposes; think about the strong energy that flows between you when you discuss these problems.) Girls (and, for that matter, boys) this age frequently compare themselves to those around them, almost always finding themselves lacking in some way. Your daughter undoubtedly has high expectations for herself, and a strong need to find belonging and significance; it sounds as though she has decided that the way to belong and feel significant is to excel in the eyes of others--but she lacks confidence and, not surprisingly for a 13-year-old, motivation and patience.

Criticism, no matter how "constructively" it is intended, is rarely heard by the recipient as anything but negative. You want to point out ways she can do better (with the best and most loving intentions in the world); what she hears is all the things she's doing "wrong." She feels discouraged and "not good enough"--and wants to quit.

The next time you and your daughter have one of these discussions, try approaching it a different way. Do some listening first: say to her, "Sounds like you're feeling pretty discouraged." (Or whatever your instincts tell you she's feeling.) Then listen to what she has to say. You might continue, "What do you think you could do about that?" If she says, "Nothing! I'll never be good at this," don't take the bait and argue with her. Do some more reflective listening ("You're pretty angry about this..."), or simply offer a hug. Don't offer unwanted advice. Sometimes it helps to say, "Do you want my help?" If she says yes, you can make your suggestions. If she says no (which is more likely, at least at first), tell her you have faith in her, and you'll be around if she wants to talk. Listening with empathy (and lips firmly closed) is one of the most encouraging things you can do for your daughter.

Many high-achieving young women are at risk for depression and eating disorders because they have come to believe that they are lovable and acceptable only when they are achieving and accomplishing great things. Failure may mean loss of love to your daughter, and quitting on her own is easier to accept than trying and "failing." It will probably help you and your daughter to focus more on your relationship, and on letting her know you appreciate the person she is, rather than just the things she can do. Is it important to you that she excel in sports and music, or important to her? These activities should be fun, and if they've stopped being fun, you both need to take a look at what's going on.

If things don't seem to improve, it may help you to find a skilled and compassionate therapist who works with young women. Giving your daughter a safe place to explore her feelings and goals may make a big difference--and often parents are just too close and too important to be able to help their children do this. Hang in there, listen, and have faith.

Best wishes,

Cheryl L. Erwin, MA, MFT, Certified Positive Discipline Associate Co-author of four Positive Discipline books and "Parents Who Love Too Much"