I am a 34 year old middle-upper class mother of two toddlers. A 3 1/2 yr of girl and a 2 yr old boy. I feel I have tried all discipline methods with my daughter to no avail. One major confrontation I am dealing with now, is at least getting her to sleep in her bed with her brother or anywhere but our bed for that matter. My husband and I made the mistake of letting her sleep with us as an infant until a few months after her brother was brought home. I let her sleep with us at times, during my attempt to change this habit just so I can go to bed after a frustrating battle. And it is a battle! I have never seen a child act so strong in something she does not want to do. She is so determined, no matter what, that she is going to win. To the point of screaming to the top of her lungs and waking everyone up. I have tried bedtime stories, laying with her until she goes to sleep (after many, many other tactics), to sitting in a chair by the bed until she falls asleep, and now I am trying to just leave them there to fall asleep on their on. My boy will finally go to sleep during the struggle to get her to sleep, I have no problem with him. The second I leave the room she gets up, crying and following me. She wants me there. Her bed, our bed , by her bed, she just wants me there. She has not made me aware of any fears. I have separately tried the following: spanking; talking; lovingly with no words picking her up and putting her back in the bed, rewarding (she never got any rewards, because she was not consistent even for 2 nights in a row). When she goes to sleep and I go to my bed, it never fails she ends up running to our bed screaming like the house was on fire in the middle of the night, only to go through hours of the same thing at bed-time, or either me giving in just to get some sleep. If I am in the bathroom and she cannot find me my husband will not do. She wants ME.

One other problem is her going to the potty or any part of the house including the toy room by herself. She will never go by herself unless someone goes with her just so she can see them. (Her 2 yr. old brother will do)

I am so stressed out and frustrated, I am beginning to feel like maybe I need to seek medical or psychiatric attention for her. I have prayed for solutions and answers and read a few discipline books, but nothing seems to work. She just overall seems to be an unhappy and insecure child more than I feel she should be. We go to church every Sunday and Wednesday, I take them to gymnastics once a week, and occasionally to Mothers morning out once a week from 9:00-3:00. Otherwise, I stay home with them. Can you give me any advice or any suggestions? I apologize for being so lengthy, but I said as little as I could to try to help you understand my situation. I hope and pray that I hear from you soon with some relief for me.

Sincerely, Connie

When you say you have tried discipline methods, I have to wonder what kind. When kmost people talk of discipline, they mean punishment. Non of the Positive Discipline methods are punitive. On the other hand, too may parents are too permissive or vacillate between being punitive and then permissive. We discuss this problem in our book, "Parents Who Love Too Much." There are always exceptions, but my guess is that you have vacillated. This usually explains the kind of behavior your child has chosen.

Children learn what "works." Sounds as though your daughter is learning that she can manipulate you into giving her "undue" service. You may not like my suggestion, but it usually works. (I hated doing this myself with my young daughter, but it did work.)

Let your daughter re-learn to "self soothe" -- which means she may have to cry it out for a few nights. This will work only if you do it consistently. There is nothing worse for teaching bad habits than inconsistency vacillation.

The reason many parents don't like this suggestion is that they want to save their children from all of life's painful experiences. They don't want to allow children to have their feelings; and they don't have faith in their children that they can handle their feelings and survive.

So, instead, they allow their children to develop the belief that others should cater to their every wish. (There is a difference between wishes and needs.) They provide an environment where their children learn manipulation skills. And, they don't learn to self-soothe.

I don't know of any sound that tugs at my heart more than a child crying. However, I have learned that overprotection is not the most loving thing a parent can do. The baby bird would never learn to fly if the mother bird was not "cruel" enough to push him out of the nest. Many things that parents do in the name of love are not very loving things to do.

Parents do more loving things when they consider the long-range results of what they do. In other words, what is their child learning as a result of their actions? Do you want your child to learn to manipulate others into her service or that she can handle upsetting experiences?

If you are convinced that your child will benefit from learning to self-soothe' (and who doesn't benefit from this great skill which research shows that children are born with, but parents soon eliminate) it usually takes no more than 5 nights of "self-soothing" Self-soothing may mean crying for hours the first night, fewer hours the second night, and even fewer the third.

Your daughter will feel your confidence or lack of it and will act accordingly. Children know when we mean what we say. If you kindly and firmly (with lots of hugs and kisses) put her to bed, and then put her back in bed (with another kiss, but no words) every time she gets up; she will soon know she can trust you to mean what you say.

If this sounds reasonable to you, give it a try.

Regarding the potty problem, I would tackle only one thing at a time. It doesn't sound as though going with her is such a big deal for now especially since it doesn't always have to be you.

I know these are tough times, but it will pass. Hang in there. Meanwhile you might find Positive Discipline for Preschoolers very helpful. My best to you,

Jane Nelsen