Complaints and Sandbags
I've been reading with interest your website and hope you can help me.
We are a family of 4, Mom Dad and 2 boys ages 7 and 10. My 10 year old
is the one I am having problems with. Everything seems to be chore for
him. For instance if I ask him to put something somewhere for me he says
he didn't put it there in the first place however if I ask his brother
to do the same thing he just asks me where would I like him to put it.
He is a clever boy with no learning problems in school he is constantly
in the top 5, however he constantly complains about the amount of work
he has to do and from the moment I collect him from school he just gives
out about the homework and the teacher. I have tried to be positive
towards him and have joked about the car being a complaint "free zone".
I have spoken to his teacher and she says she has to ask him to do
things 3 or 4 times before he does it. We also have this problem first
thing in the morning. He takes ages over his breakfast and has to be
hurried along, I have to constantly repeat requests to do his teeth, put
his lunch his school bag etc. I have even got the family up earlier in
the morning to give him more time. By the time he gets to school I feel
drained. The same thing happens at bedtime. He goes up and reads until I
call for his light to be switched off - come up to tuck him in - all
very happy and loving but we have several visits down the stairs with me
sending him back up each time by which time I'm angry at him and
stressed. I have explained to him that night time is now adult time and
that Mom and Dad need time together but to no avail. I've tried to be
consistent with him and have sat him down to discuss all these issues
but to know avail - Please help.
I am one of the Positive Discipline
associates, a co-author of several of the Positive Discipline books, and
a licensed marriage and family therapist. I work with 10-year-old boys
pretty frequently, and had one of my own. He's now 17, and we both seem
to have survived the earlier years pretty well: my guess is that you and
your son will, too.
Your son has figured out a sure-fire (although mistaken) way to get the
sense of belonging and significance that all children need. His younger
brother has the role of "good, helpful kid" all sewed up, so your
10-year-old has made a subconscious decision to be "the best at being
grumpy." Actually, he sounds discouraged to me, and I am curious about
why. Once common reason is that children are good perceivers but poor
interpreters (as Dreikurs used to say). It could be that his
interpretation is that you love his younger brother more than him. That
is very discouraging. (Remember that what children believe is true has
nothing to do with the truth, however their behavior is based on what
they believe.) When they believe they don't belong and are not
significant they often choose one of the mistaken goals (undue
attention, misguided power, revenge, or giving up) as a mistaken way to
find the belonging and significance they need. (We have full chapters to
help parents understand this in all of our books.)
You sound irritated and annoyed by his complaining, dragging his feet
about morning and evening routines, and lack of motivation about school
work, which is a good clue (your feelings) that his behavior is designed
to get undue attention. All children need attention; when they don't
believe they can get it in positive ways, they will settle for negative
attention (a mistaken way to seek belonging and significance).
Changing your relationship with your eldest son will take some time and
patience, but it certainly is possible. You and your husband can sit
down together and think about ways you can increase your son's sense of
belonging in the family. What are his special gifts and strengths? Does
anyone notice when he does things right? Do you and his dad spend
"special time"--one-on-one time just hanging out or working
together--with him? Is he able to be involved in sports, art, or other
outside activities that might increase his sense of confidence and
competence?
Invite your son to help you create simple routines for morning and
evening. Let him make charts of the routines so he has ownership. Then
the routine chart becomes the boss. You can simply ask, "What is next on
your routine chart?" It is empowering when he is invited to think about
what needs to be done rather than feeling resistant when being TOLD what
needs to be done. Offer him choices at other times about what will
happen: for instance, you may say, "We will leave for school in 15
minutes; you can either finish your breakfast now, or I guess your next
meal will be lunch. You decide." Be sure you are comfortable with all of
the choices you give him, and can follow through with kindness and
firmness. Lectures and nagging rarely make anything better, so remain
calm, smile, and follow through.
It may help to begin having family meetings, to offer appreciation to
each member of the family, and to involve everyone in solving problems
together--a very encouraging and empowering way to approach family life.
You can find more information on family meetings in any of the Positive
Discipline books, which are available at
www.positivediscipline.com, or your local bookstore.
Above all, listen to your son's behavior as well as his words, and see
if you can tell what he is deciding about himself, you, and life in your
family. Approach him with empathy and curiosity, and listen calmly to
whatever he needs to tell you. You can accept his feelings and still
work together on changing his behavior. If things don't improve, it
might help to find a skilled family therapist to help you learn to
understand each other better.
Hang in there, and best to you and your family--
Cheryl L.
Erwin, MA, MFT, CPDA
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