Weaning a Toddler

Question:

Any suggestions for weaning a toddler?

My first child is now 2 and 1/2. If I'm around (and I am for the most part) she breastfeeds to sleep, and wants to breastfeed during the day (which we've mostly stopped.) She can fall asleep on her own-as she does at "school" 2 days a week.

I wish I had weaned her between 9 and 12 months but I didn't know any better and was sort of going by the Attachment Parenting theory. (We're attached and I'm a human pacifier.) She's otherwise a healthy happy toddler.

I say to her "Someday we're going to stop breastfeeding. Mommy is tired of breastfeeding." And she listens intently while sucking away.

Any suggestions? Susan

PS. I wonder if it doesn't help the fact that I'm a NICU Nurse.
PPS. My sister nursed her daughter until age 2. She said to her daughter "Two-year olds don't nurse!" "Why?" her daughter asked. "Because they get thrown out the window!"

I don't think I could say anything like that, but I do want to stop.

ANSWER:

Dear Susan,
My name is Mary Hughes I am one of a team of people who helps Jane answer questions such as yours. My background is in Child Development (taught preschool and child development at the local Community College for 30+ years), and I am also a Facilitator for the "Program for Infant-Toddler Caregivers" out of Far West Lab in California. I only share these credentials so you know my background.
My best credential, however, is the fact that I nursed my three children (now 32, and 28 – yes, twins...fraternal!) and was a La Leche League leader/regional director while stationed on Guam MANY years ago! Both my girls nursed until they were about 2 ½ and Eric was more drawn to a bottle after a couple months, thanks to a typhoon, jaundice, and a medical staff not particularly fond of breastfeeding. I am SO glad for today's Moms that that would not be the case these days!
I remember those last few months with each baby – it got harder and harder to put them to bed without a nursing (and weaning them at 9-10 months may be easier for some babies, but not necessarily for all) – not for the nourishment, but for the snuggling and relaxing before bed benefits! And that gets Mommies feeling like the human pacifier label you used in your question.
You don't say whether you have a partner/spouse – I have a great Dad for a husband, who although he was gone a LOT, would be the putter-to-bed whenever he was home. The most helpful thing for me during these weaning times was for me to snuggle and read a book to my girls, and spend quality Mommy-time just before bed without nursing and NOT in the rocker or their/my bed– and then disappear – to return only when my husband gave the all-clear signal! I redirected their attention to something else like a sippy cup of cold ice water in a cup they picked out at the store (I told them they could pick between this cup or that cup and it would be their special sleepy cup, since Mommy couldn't always be there at bedtime.)
I'm really glad to hear you can't tell your daughter that she will get thrown out of the window as a joke! Far better to tell her how special these nursing days have been, and that we can still have special time together before bed without breastfeeding. Sometimes Erin, our oldest, would cry for me, and when I could hear it I was a basket case – but Gary promised me she would do better if I didn't go in and interrupt them.
Soft music, being able to choose a night-light, a special stuffed animal or dolly – all these can help get a routine for sleep established that is different from the one when you nursed her to sleep.
Your emotional honesty that "Mommy thinks our nursing days are soon over – then we'll have more time to read and be together in other ways..." is admirable. She has associated your loving with your breastfeeding closeness, and will gradually need to see that she will have your love without breastfeeding also!
Anything you can do to encourage her that you love her and want to spend time with her will help you in this weaning process. It really is a process rather than a thing you can do cold turkey.) Her sense of trust and security are the building blocks for her future relationships, and I am wanting to tell you what a caring, loving Mom you have been not to react to her stronghold, but to prepare her gently that we will soon end this part of our time together. You may want to say, "Mommy knows that there are other ways to tell you I love you, and you are getting too big for me to breastfeed anymore. I will help you as you discover these new ways to be my special little girl" – assurances of your love will be easy to give if you can find someone to help you through the weaning period.
I don't know if there is a child's book on this – if you could find one (maybe a Dr's office, public library, etc.) it would be good to read this to her – or maybe you could make up your own story about "a little girl I knew once... who liked to breastfeed SO much.... And then go on..."
La Leche League would tell you to let your child nurse as long as SHE wants to – I don't favor this solution, because I think when the Mom senses the child is ready, it can be a very encouraging process and part of the growing up pains of childhood. But, finding other Moms who have, and are weaning, may give you other ideas. Also, Positive Discipline: The First Three Years has some great ideas for helping toddlers feel necessary, healthy power and get attention in positive ways. The following story is an excerpt from this book:

Weaning Is Difficult
As we've mentioned before, "Weaning is never easy for the weanee or the weanor, but it is necessary for the ultimate good of both." Weaning is part of the larger, lifelong process of letting go and is vital to helping children develop their full potential. Weaning (and letting go) should not be confused with abandonment. Children need a lot of loving support during the weaning process. When parents begin the weaning process and let go with love at developmentally appropriate times, children are encouraged to trust, to learn confidence, and to develop healthy self-esteem.
Betty's son, Ben, began preschool at age two and a half. He proudly carried his own lunch box to school with him. But his bravado turned to dismay when snack time came. He wanted his bottle, while everyone else was using cups. Ben's teacher soon realized the cause of his tearful whimpering. That afternoon, she spent some time discussing the situation with Betty. They agreed to allow Ben to use a bottle when he sat at the snack table and when he was lying down for his nap, but the rest of the time the bottle would be kept in the refrigerator. Also, the bottle would contain only water. This plan was relayed to Ben. At the same time, Betty decided to limit the contents of Ben's bottles at home to water. She chose not to reduce their availability, allowing him to use the bottle with fewer restrictions at home.
Several times over the next week, Ben tested his teacher to see if she would give him his bottle at other times of the day. The teacher was sympathetic, offered to hold or hug Ben if he wished, and reassured him that he could have his bottle at snack or rest time but held firm to the plan she had made with Betty. By the second week, Ben stopped asking for his bottle throughout the day. Within the month, he had lost interest in the bottle at other times as well.
Ben continued to use his bottle at home. When Betty saw how successfully the plan at school had worked, she set similar limits at home. After another week or two, she happily gathered up the forgotten bottles and packed them off to a charity program serving infants. Betty and Ben's teacher used a gradual approach to weaning. Betty could have just refused to bring in any bottles, but Ben, his teacher, and his classmates might have had a much more stressful few weeks. In the end, Ben would have given up his bottle either way. Being firm does not mean that cold turkey is the only way to break lingering habits.

Knowing how much you care and love your daughter, Susan, follow your heart, and it will lead you safely and surely to the right answers for you and your little girl.

With encouragement, Mary L. Hughes, Certified Positive Discipline Associate

Hello Susan, I am a Positive Discipline Associate from Ohio and am adding a few thoughts to Mary Hughes reply about weaning. I didn't read Mary's reply, but I nursed all three of my kids into toddlerhood. My son (youngest) was reluctant to wean, and I, too, had moments (days, weeks?!!) when I wished that I had led the weaning at around a year. Toddlers are so wonderfully independent, and everything that isn't their idea seems to be met with enthusiastic resistance. I always believed God made them irresistibly cute at this age so that we would all survive!!

One limit I set with all of them after a certain age was that we would only nurse at home, which did cut down on frequency and also gave me a sense of leading toward weaning.-It seemed that boredom was a big issue and he wanted to nurse often at home, though he could be without me anywhere else and not need to nurse at all. Luckily, toddlers are also distractible, so keeping your little one busy may help at this point. Also, quiet reading time so you are still cuddling and connecting without nursing may help.

Right about the time I was feeling very frustrated I remember a friend said something that really made sense to me. Nursing is a relationship, and an effective and satisfying relationship consists of two willing and committed people. If you are feeling ready to quit, it is your prerogative and I know that you will do it lovingly.--No window throwing!!---When I was
nursing my second daughter I became pregnant with my son and nursing was painful. One day I said "no more nini (yes we had the code word!). Mommy's milk is all gone." I expected a big fuss and she said"ok" and that was that. So, it will happen. You will NOT be attending the prom! Weaning is similar to potty training in that everyone seems to offer an opinion about what THEY would do, whether or not you ask. Eventually we got down to nursing before bed only, and then not at all. I'm guessing it took about a month once I decided it was ok for me to set that limit.

I have to say also that I am very proud of you for having the courage to breastfeed for a long time in a society with so many hang-ups and negative messages about mothering and nurturing. Especially with your first baby. I am sure you get your share of flak from well meaning folks. The term attachment parenting did not exist back when I was a young mom, but we were definitely attached. My "baby" is 25 and lives far away, and I really cherish those days and years. We are now attached by telephone, and love, of course.

I once heard an old lady on a talk show say "The years fly by. It's the days that drag." This is truly a great description of being a parent with little ones. Sounds like you are on the right track. Enjoy these precious times. Christine Haymond