Blended Family Adjustments

Question:

Hello. My husband and I have been married 1 year. We both have a son from previous relationships. They are only 3 months apart and are now seven years old. They were friends before we were even dating. There personalities are very different. My son's great qualities are that he is athletic, sensitive, outgoing etc. My step son's great qualities are that he is very intellectual, responsible, laid back etc. My son's weaknesses are that he is whiny, independent yet he can be a follower and hard headed. My step son's weaknesses are that he is very immature, manipulative and a know it all (If he doesn't know he will act like he does). I am telling
you this not to compare the children but to help you better know my concerns.
One of the problems is that my step son is seven years old in the second grade and he is still attached to a stuffed animal named Buck. He carries him every where. We do not allow this but his mother does. If we see him with her in the store or where ever, he has it with him. He even
brings it to school. This really embarrasses my husband and myself because at 7 he doesn't need to be carrying this stuffed animal around out in public. My husband will only allow him to sleep with the stuffed animal. He says he will grow out of it on his own. This is impossible for us to enforce because his mother allows him to carry it everywhere.
This is a problem because my son will sometimes copy my step son by making his stuffed animals talk and play when he did not do this before. He would play with cars, trucks and transformers etc. They will argue about him and so forth. I saw this just as an aggravation up to the point my step son told my son that if anything happens to Buck he would kill himself. What should we do? Is this something we should allow or should we take it away all together? I don't want my son thinking that this type of behavior is acceptable. Wendy

Answer:

Dear Wendy,
My name is Jody McVittie. I am a family physician, parent of 3 teens, and part of the team of Positive Discipline Associates that answer questions for the website. I can tell from your question that you are working hard to blend your new family and really care about how it works together. Bringing families together like this is not easy for anyone involved... for the parent, the step parents, the "other parents" or any of the kids. All sorts of things come up that threaten the adult's and or the kid's ideas about how this "should" be working. I find that when challenged like this (with problems that can seem overwhelming) adults and children tend to "dig in" and want to hold their positions. I am not being critical here....what I'm saying is that it is normal human behavior to want to (need to) hold on to what we know to be true for us when we feel threatened or that our world (child, idea of family etc) is threatened. So... my answer may not feel very helpful to you especially at first. But here goes:

When trying to solve very difficult problems like this, sometimes it is helpful to take a step toward understanding what is going on for the people involved. It may be easiest to take a look at what is going on for you, but it is also important to try to see the world from the point of view of your step son. We call this "seeing the world with the child's eyes."

Lets start with your step son. Of course I am guessing, because all I really have is the information that you sent me. But if I were living in his world it might seem pretty chaotic. At some time in my relatively recent past (for a seven year old everything is recent) the world as I knew it, with Mom and Dad and me kind of blew up. Mom and Dad separated, got divorced and then Dad got remarried. When I lived with Mom and Dad I was the only kid...and I got pretty much what I needed...or I could figure out how to get it...even though they weren't happy. But now I live in two places....with Dad there is another kid...and he is nice and all that...but it is hard to know how I really fit in. Sometimes it seems like even Dad likes him better than me. And of course he is more special to his mom. Lots of times I feel kind of lost. It is hard to know what to hang on to. It is hard to know what kind of chaos will happen next. I try to make things work for me...but it doesn't always. Life doesn't feel very stable...even though I know that they (adults) are doing their best.....etc.

This is just a guess of course...it may not really be what is going on in his head exactly...but it would be very typical of what would be going on inside the head of a normal 7 year old boy in his situation. And it would be very normal for him to have a hard time talking about it (most especially with his step mom who he is just beginning to know). In fact it would be normal for him to say it isn't so...though his body language might say something different.
Your own son may have a similar scenario going on....though with a different tint. It would be normal for him to have a tough time adjusting to this "new brother." Each of them will be desperately searching for ways that they can have belonging and significance (meaning) and their first guess about how to do that will be to be the "best" at something. (Kids don't get it that you don't have to be the best to be special and have value as a human being).
And, how about you (and your new husband)? Sounds like you have a full plate too. You (both) have a brand new relationship that came along with a "twin" for your sons. You want to have time and energy to get to know your new partner. The ex complicates things. You each care about your own son...and the new twin...but don't want there to be "negative influences." You don't want the other son to have a bad influence on your son...and you watch your own son's behavior because you don't want it to cause trouble for your partner or the other boy either. (You can see how these subtle desires can easily make little behavior "problems" seem like a big deal...because everyone wants things to work out WELL).
So with those thoughts in mind let's look a little more at the "Buck" issue.
For your step son, Buck is obviously important. Buck is a constant in a life that can feel like a roller coaster. Buck holds an important place in his life right now...and he is reluctant to let go. Letting go causes increased anxiety. It is not embarrassing to him (yet) to hold on to Buck...the relief Buck offers is significantly worth any judgment other kids have of him at this time.
For you Buck is a problem. It seems to you that your step son should just be able to deal with these issues...not need Buck...and the behavior is "not acceptable." I am guessing that there are some other issues here (but cannot know for sure). Are you worried that he will be soft, weak, have gender identity problems, and influence your son to be less of a man? What ever the issue is (and I may not have guessed correctly) I can tell from the tone of the letter it is "pushing your buttons."
Suggestions:
- Recognize that your step son has attached himself to Buck for a time. Instead of seeing it as a weakness, a form of manipulation, try to see how it is one thing in his life that is constant and can be soothing to him. Over time as he finds a comfortable place in two homes with two families, with a new brother, a new mother he will g r a d u a l l y let go of Buck. (Some people call that "growing out of it").
- Recognize that making Buck an issue may make you feel "right" but cannot help your relationship with your step son or your son's relationship with his new step brother. We all have different coping skills. Your son's may to be go out and be more physically active (more typical boy behavior perhaps), your step son's is to find some kind of stability. This does not make him less of a boy and will not make him less of a man.
- Understand that your step son is probably not going to kill himself over Buck...but what he is trying to say in his 7 year old way is: "This is extremely important to me right now. It feels like it is a survival thing. Just let me have what I need PLEASE." It is not a manipulation. It is who he is right now. And it is OK to feel that way about a stuffed animal for awhile.
- When you are ready and can say it honestly, acknowledge that he might be more comfortable with Buck...but you are still a little uncomfortable with Buck and see if you can negotiate some times when Buck "takes a rest." For example, its OK if Buck is around during the day, but would it be ok if we compromised and leave him at home while we go out for dinner, or leave him in the car when we go to the grocery store etc. If he says no, accept him as he is with Buck, and ask if he might be willing to try to think about it again in 2 weeks. Then don't nag or show any resentment of Buck.
- Realize that Buck is NOT a reflection of you as a parent, your husband as a parent or your stepson as a young man. One of the greatest gifts you can give your stepson is welcoming him for who he is...with Buck and all, and realizing that other parents are not nearly as judgmental as we make them out to be in our heads. (And if they are...it is really their problem.) When Buck is around just notice, but don't comment. For example, if you find yourself wanting to tell your neighbor that you don't approve but he needs it...think about how that might feel to your stepson and just gently bite your tongue. (I remember walking my eldest to first grade one day in her plaid skirt and flowered blouse and telling another mom, almost as an excuse "She dressed herself." I could see my daughter shrink a little. She had been so proud of choosing her own clothes...and there I was publicly distancing myself from her choices. I was worried about my self image...and putting her down in the process. I realized I could be more generous to her than that and stopped commenting. Now as a senior in high school, she continues her unusual dressing style...and is a trend setter as she holds her head high with her - very in style- creations. )
I wish you well in your adventure as a blended family. For more understanding and ideas, you would find the book, "Positive Discipline for Step Families" very helpful.

Jody McVittie, M.D.

PS. After I wrote this, I realized that sharing my own story might be helpful. I had an animal like "Buck," a very weird looking dog named Boswell. I don't remember everywhere that Boswell went with me, but he was around a lot. What I do remember is how much of a comfort he was on days that it seemed like nothing went right and that no one could hear me or when I didn't feel safe or comfortable sharing my night time tears with anyone else. At age 48 I still have this very, very ugly, slightly salty, yellowish grey stuffed animal that no longer really resembles anything. Why keep such a thing? Because he sort of seems "real" now, maybe a little like the Velveteen Rabbit. I stopped "needing" him long ago but having him there when I did need him helped me enormously and I am grateful that my parents did not make an issue of him.

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